Sometimes that’s because the path to parenthood has been long and hard: IVF, assisted conception, previous loss, or complicated health conditions. Sometimes it’s just that you’re used to being in control: you like a plan, a system, and a spreadsheet. Maybe your own experiences in childhood have suddenly become a trigger for some complicated feelings around parenting that tend to surface right after our own child is born, or during pregnancy. That can happen, and it’s incredibly normal.

But then your new baby arrives: the ultimate curveball. A tiny human who can’t conceive of your spreadsheet, your routine, or your carefully researched plan. A baby who cries when they’re meant to be sleeping, wants to feed when you’ve just put them down, and makes your seemingly minor goals for the day (shower! go for a walk! answer an email!) feel ridiculously over-ambitious.

‘In the soup’ 

As a friend once called it: the newborn phase…

In those early weeks, your life has been overturned. You’re recovering from birth (major event!), sitting on the sofa for what feels like an eternity, and wondering how the hell you’re meant to brush your teeth, let alone cook a meal or clean the kitchen.

Feeding a baby can feel like a full time job, however you are doing it – and it is meant to be, in the early weeks when you are establishing a milk supply. Your baby is biologically conditioned to feed often, and to cluster feed in order to stimulate more milk so they can grow their quickly growing brain and body. This time on the sofa or in bed is also intended – to allow your body to heal both externally and internally after birth (a longer process than influencers on instagram would have us believe).

If you are bottle feeding rather than trying to establish a milk supply, then paced feeding, and particularly in the early days, also feeding them smaller amounts, more frequently is suggested to support your baby’s ability to recognize fullness, helping prevent overeating and promoting healthy lifelong eating habits. This method also takes time (not to mention sterilising and washing pump equipment, or preparing formula safely)*.

*see this link for proper formula preparation guidance- many ‘quick and easy’ style prep machine are not properly safety tested: https://www.firststepsnutrition.org/making-infant-milk-safely

Then there are the crying behaviours, which can be really hard to decipher (are they hungry? Uncomfortable? Overstimulated? Bored? All of the above?). Sleep is all over the place, and every day feels like a slightly different version of chaos. You’re exhausted, you’re touched out, and the idea of getting “back” to exercise, work, or even just leaving the house can feel impossibly far away.

Your baby isn’t following a schedule, because they don’t have one. And spoiler alert: they won’t for quite a while.

It might all sound like very intense, but let’s not forget that “major birth event.” Your body is still recovering for up to a year postpartum. Even if you look or feel mostly back to normal, healing is still happening under the surface. This “fourth trimester” isn’t just about your baby; it’s about giving you time to rest, repair, and adjust after pregnancy.

Connection Over Control

If there’s one thing I’d like to offer here, it’s this: connection, not control, is the goal in those early months.

It’s not about having a perfectly timed day or a “settled” baby. It’s about building trust, meeting your baby’s needs so they learn the world is a safe, loving place . And that most importantly, that you are a safe, loving place.

The exciting part is, the more time you spend focusing on them, and their rhythm, the more you get to learn who they are (and maybe some about yourself and your body, while you’re at it). Are they a highly sensitive little soul, or are they more chilled out? Do they like motion, or stillness? Do they like a party atmosphere, or quieter spaces? 

You do have influence. You can have some control over how you approach feeding, by finding some support to tailor your journey with it to meet your goals. You can control how you respond to your baby, though I caveat that with a massive ‘we all have bad moments’, and rupture and repair is a great philosophy to forgive yourself if you haven’t been able to respond as you would like.  And how about aiming to shape your day so it feels more manageable? Sometimes just trying to carve out three minutes for yourself, whether that is a really nice snack or a moment outside breathing the fresh air with your babe in a sling, can make a big difference.

After around 3 months, things often start to settle a little. You’ll find a rhythm: not a schedule, but something a bit more familiar. Feeding often becomes much more efficient for your baby, and they become even more curious about the world around them as they start to gain more physical strength.

Nap patterns? Maybe after 6 months you’ll start to see something emerge, but even then, be prepared for change. Most babies don’t settle into a (semi) predictable one-nap-a-day routine until toddlerhood. 

Practical Strategies for Sanity

If you’re in the thick of it, here are some things that can help:

• Babywearing: This is a total game changer. If you are struggling to find something that is comfortable for your body, consider finding a babywearing consultant who often will have a ‘sling library’ where you can try before you buy as well as expertise on fit safety and comfort. Baby wearing frees your hands, keeps your baby close and content, is great for their physical development, and allows you to do vaguely human things like eat toast or do a wee.
  
• Naps on the go: In a sling, in the pram, wherever!  Don’t let “they must sleep in the cot” internet nonsense stress you out. Sleep is developmental, not learned; your baby will get there in their own time. (For great evidence-based info on this, see @lyndseyhookway.)
  
• Anchor points: Consider having one predictable moment in your day,  like a bath and bedtime story. For some people that make the rest feel less chaotic. And if that gets thrown off by a party or late dinner, that’s fine – a bit of flexibility can be freeing!
  
• Feeding zones: Set yourself up a snug corner in your home: somewhere comfortable, with  water, snacks, a good series or a book, and settle in. This season is one for slowing down, so you may as well be cosy.
  

And finally… be compassionate (towards yourself)

This is only for now. Your baby will grow. You will one day have a bath while they do some colouring in next to you, or drink a hot coffee while they play. It gets easier – not overnight, not all at once – but slowly and surely.

Nobody knows all the answers (not even the “experts”), but there are people who can walk beside you and support you. You’re not meant to have it all figured out.

You’re doing your best in a messy, unpredictable season of your life, and that’s more than good enough.